We’re nearing the end of this three month experiment, and it’s turned out to be significantly different than my expectations. As I said in the beginning, I’ve had a bit of experience with online dating. While this is the first time I’ve actually paid for a service, I’ve been on several Internet dates in the past.

But here we are, three months in, and I still haven’t been on an eHarmony date. I didn’t expect to meet my husband in this three month period (I scare easily and move slowly, but that’s another story). Still, I’m really surprised at how ineffective eHarmony has proven to be.

OK, it’s not completely their fault. I was seeing someone “in real life” for about a month, so my matches weren’t a high priority. And I know my 30 mile search radius is a factor. I even tinkered with my settings at one point and received a handful of matches in the 60 mile range. Plus, I’m just picky. Being able to select the traits I want in a man only amplifies that.

Or maybe I’m just not so compatible with the men in the site’s database. Who knows?

Over a recent lunch a friend and I discussed my unsuccessful time on the site. She registered years ago and didn’t find much use for it, she said. But now that she’s a bit older and a bit more serious about what she wants from a relationship, it’s proven to be a better fit.

That’s not to say I’m not serious. I’m just… young. I know I want to get married someday, but as I told a friend last week, “I might be ready for a boyfriend, maybe, if I could give someone a chance for long enough, without freaking myself out—if that’s possible.”

In other words, I need time. Evidently, so does eHarmony. But with it, time literally is money—and they’ve seen enough of mine.

I hate it when a guy chooses “other” as his reason to close communication.  There’s a list of 15-20 different options to select that are pretty all encompassing.  “Other” seems like a lame way of saying “you’re ugly in those pictures” or “I’m just too lazy to pick the real reason why I’m closing you.”  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining about being closed.  I’m actually usually pretty relieved when I open my account to find that a few guys have closed me because goodness knows I have more matches than I can handle.  That’s just a few less profiles I have to read and make decisions about.  But seriously?  We don’t need one more way to encourage passivity in this generation.

I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies that youve been living in

I am actively communicating with one guy from eH.  He is one who in initial contact I wasn’t too interested in, but had no real reason to close the match so I proceeded.  After a few messages back and forth in open communication, his subscription ended, but as he wanted to keep communicating he left me his email, myspace page link and phone number.

Long-ish story short, I checked out his MySpace page and found his “extracurricular interests” included a host of pro-wrestling shows, the Left Behind movies and two of his heroes were pro-wrestlers…  ::cringe::  Carla and I tend to email each other as if we were on instant messanger every once in awhile, so this all comes out during a one of these email conversations.  Because I’m not creative enough/I’m not feeling up to the task of recreating our conversation for this, here are some copies and pastes of what follows:

Carla:  Ummmmmmmmmm I am thinking that guy might not be a match for you. Next!

Megan: I really wanted to give this guy a chance and not duck out because I didn’t like superficial things about him, or even more, because I was scared.  He seems to have some really great qualities and has actually started to pursue me in a way I think is neat.  But where does it come that enough is enough?  He is willing to call me but understands if I want to hold off, but isn’t the cutest guy you’ll ever meet (but then again, 1) not everyone is photogenic, 2) I tend to fall for guys who aren’t the totally obviously hot guys, but the normal ones and 3) none of the “hot” guys are intested in me anyway), he’s willing to try swing dancing and likes old movies and seems like a person I could be friends with, but he’s a total wrestling geek and I will never spend another minute of my life watching another Left Behind movie (once was one time too many).   I hate eH.

Carla:  Darlin’, I hate to tell you–but that’s not eHarmony. That’s just dating.  There’s a line somewhere between friends material and dating material. Some people you’re just not going to be compatible with because you don’t “click,” and some you will be even though they like Nickelback and you think it’s insulting to music to label Nickelback a band. I don’t know where that line is. Sometimes you just have to find out the hard way.

Megan:  When it comes to dating, I feel like a 15 year old.  A retarded, sheltered 15 year old.  Who lives in a hole in the ground.  Yet somehow, I’m the one everyone comes to for dating advice…  Anyways, when I first told another friend about my hesitations about this guy (before the MySpace page), she yelled at me about giving him a chance, something I needed to hear.  I know that there’s that line and since I haven’t even had an actual conversation with this guy on the phone/in person, I can’t justify to myself cutting him off (even if he has these totally unappealing interests.  I mean, I don’t have to sit and watch wrestling with him, or God forbid, the Left Behind movies.).  We’ll see.  I just have to tell myself not to freak out sometimes.

Carla:  It is OK to freak out. That is why you have friends to talk you back from the ledge. I freak out all the stinkin’ time. It is HARD to give people a chance! It means letting people in, which means they could hurt you.

Megan:  We actually talked about that a lot at church this week.  About how we can’t be healed in a place that isn’t known… and that we sabotage ourselves by not opening up to others about our wounds and fears because we’re afraid.  With this whole eH thing, I want to put myself out there and see what happens.  Thanks for talking me off the ledge.  )  I just realized this in emailing about my Mr. eH with my other friend.  I know I’m a bit jaded, just looking for something to be wrong.  That if I ever get the “privilege” of being in an actual adult relationship, it’s going to be with some total weirdo.  Kind of that I’m not worth it in God’s eyes or something.  Like either He’s not good enough, or I’m not.  Or both maybe.  A definite defeatist attitude at work here.

Carla:  Remember in the Henry Cloud book how he talks about the whole process not only showing you things about other people, but showing you things and healing things within yourself?  This is totally one of those moments.  Not that the realization makes it all better–but that’s a huge realization. And you ARE worth it. You are a smart, sassy, hilarious, loyal, friendly, fun-to-be around, beautiful woman. You have a lot to offer someone. And you might have to go through some relational awkwardness before you find someone you are willing to stick around with, and vice versa… but that’s why it’s called dating and not arranged marriage.   (This is also why I like Dr. Cloud’s philosophy on a relationship not being a failure just because it ends.)

Megan:  I actually never read/bought that book (if it’s the dating one you’re talking about).  I skimmed the first few chapters when you were doing it, but not more than that.  Wow, this is one therapuetic set of emails, haha.  Thanks for your words of encouragement.  You’re right, this IS one of those moments.  Something to ponder.  I know this about myself, but I lose focus of it in the burying of all things painful emotionally and spiritually, and as I run from God (not doing stellar spiritually lately actually).   It’s funny that I work intimately with a film whose entire goal is t convince women of their worth and value in Christ, and I don’t believe it myself.

.

If anything, doing eH has become a therapuetic thing in a sense.  It’s hard trying to cultivate this type of relationship online because it’s hard to not make character judgements based on the little bit of information you have about someone in a place where you DO need to make some sort of judgement about them (whether or not you want to get to know them, date them, etc.).  If anything, I’ve learned that you CANNOT do this in isolation.  Utterly cannot.  I’m so glad that I have friends who care enough about me to not let me freak out about things that in “real life” I wouldn’t make such a big deal about.

(I actually talked to Mr. eH on the phone for about 3 minutes last night.  I felt a bit like a teenager and almost didn’t answer the call, but decided to act like an adult and actually do it.  )  We’re going to chat again sometime soon.  We’ll see how where this goes, and wherever it does go, it’s okay and I won’t let my fears overwhelm me.  And if I do, I have a few great friends to call who will talk me back down again.  Thanks, gals.)

- The most important thing s* is looking for in a person is:
compatibility and love, no psycho’s. I’m trying to get that irrational drama out of my life. also one important quality that is important to me, and it’s weird, is my mates genetics. i really want to pass on blue eyes to my kdis so i need a girl with blue eyes if at all possible. and i love both brown hair and blond, so the type of hair and color isn’t all that important. but also genetic body type is a point of interest to me… don’t worry i’m not weird, i try my best to be an average, normal male.

That, my friend, is the most important thing this guy is looking for in a woman.  And yet, for some reason he tried to start communication with me though there’s at least one close up picture of my face (my eyes are hazel, and vacillate between brown and green).  I was considering answering his Qs anways, even though he was beginning to prove to me not as “not weird” as he claims, but then one other section was a huge rant on his ex-gf which basically recounted their whole break up shouting match so I decided that he wasn’t going to fit the “emotionally healthy” must-have I have listed.

Ahh, the life on eHarmony.

As we drove to Tuscaloosa for a friend’s birthday party last night, my friend Murray and I talked about one thing almost exclusively: Boys. The ones we date, the ones we don’t, the ones we wish we were. Y’know, the usual.

 Maybe that’s life as single 20somethings, and we’ve always got stories to tell.

But a month into this eHarmony venture, I don’t have much to report. I’ve communicated with a few guys, but nothing that merits a “dear diary” moment. Instead I’ve taken to discussing the differences between my experiences and those of my friends.

I can’t keep up with the number of matches Megan has received, but last I heard it was well over 100. Another friend had been paired with about 60 guys when we last spoke. I counted today: I’ve been paired with 20 in a month, and 16 of those are already closed for one reason or another.

I’m not sure what accounts for the differences. Megan is open to meeting men from anywhere in the country; my search is limited to men within 30 miles of my home (and I think that’s too far!). Surely that counts for something, but my other friend’s geographical limitations are the same as mine. However, the city she lives in is home to about 10 times more people than my town.

I guess there could be a number of factors at work here. But the lack of matches doesn’t bother me… for reasons I’ll get into later, I actually prefer it this way right now…

I have 97 matches right now.

OVERWHELMING.

Okay, so I admit I’m a dating amatuer.  It’s kind of lame, but there we have it.  When it comes to all these endless matches filling up my eH inbox, I just don’t know what to do with them all.

Do I initiate action?  (so against “real life” dating philosophy that’s been drilled into me for years)

Do I wait for some guy to want to communicate with me? (which has worked stellar-y for years now)

Seriously, how does this work?  How soon do I close a match?  How much leeway to I give for a crappy profile (none if they’ve answered all the questions like they were writing a text message, very little if A Purpose Driven Life is listed as their favorite book)?  How much do I chalk up to different personalities, not knowing if it’s a deal breaker or not (the guy who had no ifs, ands or buts about never using birth control ever…  he was a deal breaker).

 A friend of mine challenged me to initiate communication with 3 guys, and I’ve done that and with a couple more too.  One hard thing about this, I’ve realized, is that you don’t know who has actually signed up for eH and who has only filled out the personality profile for free in moments of boredom (like I first did a year ago).  You’re matched with both and can’t differentiate between the two.  Are guys not responding because they’re not actually a member of eH?  Because they’re not interested?  Because they’re on vacation, or too busy, as I have been?  It’s a weird dynamic.  Not that I’m freaking out or waiting with baited breath or anything, I just don’t know how to proceed.

I am in communication with this guy Adam now.  He’s a couple years younger than me, which is fine, and from SC (I live in FL).  I’m not sure how interested I am, but we’ll see.

The anti-BC guy wanted to start communication too, but I didn’t want to get some guys hopes up when there was no way that if this actually miraculously worked out, that I was going to be one of those girls who gets pregnant on her honeymoon.  ::shudder::  Best to close that down now.

Oh, I did change my picture settings to not show it until the 1st questions are exchanged.  FYI.

So far, I’ve been pretty overwhelmed by this eHarmony experience.  I haven’t had much time to spend sorting through all my matches lately so they’ve been piling up.  Everytime I open my email inbox, I have at least one (if not 2 or 3) sets of emails from eHarmony saying that they’ve got 7 new matches for more.  Luckily(?), by the time I see that and end up signing in, several have closed the match.  Never did I imagine I’d be so pumped about closed matches.  Right now I have 66 matches to sort through, but it’s still early in the day.  It makes me tired just looking at it.

Unlike Carla, my picture is readily available on the site, though I may change that for the reason she listed – I might know others on the site in “real life.”  I don’t know what it is that is so off-putting to me that others may know that I’m doing this, but at present time only 4 of my friends know I’m doing this, Carla included.  I haven’t even told a couple of my very best friends yet.  I was matched with a guy on here who I’m pretty sure I know and work with, which would be a major reason I may change my picture settings.  The last thing I need is everyone I know at work (not that small of a place, but the kind of place where you live your life in a fishbowl) to know about this and to be asking about it.

This is a pretty jumbled post.  Hopefully the next will be more coherant.

P.S. I just stumbled upon this on Google:  “Internet Dating: The Musical” – hilarious!

I’ve been on eharmony for nearly two weeks now. I’ve been “matched” with several men, have closed several matches and have moved through the phases into “open communication” with two. But my favorite stories (so far) relate to my photos.

Of course pictures are the first thing I see when I receive a new match–followed quickly by age, faith and how often he drinks. I often don’t read the rest of his profile for days. I’m just not in a rush.

 However, I have my photos set such that I show them to matches when I decide I’m ready. Mostly that’s because I know I could be paired with people I actually know–or worse, that I’ve already been out with. (Think I’m crazy? It happened on day one.)

So last week I had a match–who had not even initiated contact!–close the connection because he couldn’t see my photos. That cracked me up. (And frankly, I wasn’t interested in him.)

 But it gets better. A few days ago, a guy asked to see my photos, so I let him. The next time I logged on, he had closed the match!

No wonder women are so paranoid about our appearances. Good thing I’m cuter than him, anyway. Otherwise I might be offended.

I’m no stranger to Internet dating. I’ve tried nearly every site at some point: a three day trial (OK, multiple three day trials) on match, a discounted week on eharmony, true when it was still free for women. But my credit card and I have never really taken the plunge. It’s been nearly a source of pride–although I don’t know why. I’ve had plenty of friends who have tried Internet dating, and I was even a bridesmaid in a wedding where the couple met on match.com.

But I’ll admit, I’ve been curious whether it would work. So when Megan told me months ago that a friend suggested she sign up for eharmony, I was on board. She should do it, I said, and to take it a step further, I would sign up for a site adn we could blog about our experiences.

On a recent Saturday, I got a text from Megan. She was ready.

Megan had an unreal discount code: three months for $45. The same length of time on match would cost $60. It’s not a huge difference, but enough to make me consider my options. I’ve preferred match in the past, but eharmony’s system isn’t really designed for a short-term commitment. I also asked a friend about her experiences using both. She’s met more Christian men on eharmony than match. When I thought about it, I realized that the best contenders I’ve met on match were also on eharmony.

So I took the plunge. Heck, I’ll do almost anything for a good story–and if there’s one thing dating has brought me, it’s good stories.