Talking me off the ledge September 20, 2007

I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies that youve been living in

I am actively communicating with one guy from eH.  He is one who in initial contact I wasn’t too interested in, but had no real reason to close the match so I proceeded.  After a few messages back and forth in open communication, his subscription ended, but as he wanted to keep communicating he left me his email, myspace page link and phone number.

Long-ish story short, I checked out his MySpace page and found his “extracurricular interests” included a host of pro-wrestling shows, the Left Behind movies and two of his heroes were pro-wrestlers…  ::cringe::  Carla and I tend to email each other as if we were on instant messanger every once in awhile, so this all comes out during a one of these email conversations.  Because I’m not creative enough/I’m not feeling up to the task of recreating our conversation for this, here are some copies and pastes of what follows:

Carla:  Ummmmmmmmmm I am thinking that guy might not be a match for you. Next!

Megan: I really wanted to give this guy a chance and not duck out because I didn’t like superficial things about him, or even more, because I was scared.  He seems to have some really great qualities and has actually started to pursue me in a way I think is neat.  But where does it come that enough is enough?  He is willing to call me but understands if I want to hold off, but isn’t the cutest guy you’ll ever meet (but then again, 1) not everyone is photogenic, 2) I tend to fall for guys who aren’t the totally obviously hot guys, but the normal ones and 3) none of the “hot” guys are intested in me anyway), he’s willing to try swing dancing and likes old movies and seems like a person I could be friends with, but he’s a total wrestling geek and I will never spend another minute of my life watching another Left Behind movie (once was one time too many).   I hate eH.

Carla:  Darlin’, I hate to tell you–but that’s not eHarmony. That’s just dating.  There’s a line somewhere between friends material and dating material. Some people you’re just not going to be compatible with because you don’t “click,” and some you will be even though they like Nickelback and you think it’s insulting to music to label Nickelback a band. I don’t know where that line is. Sometimes you just have to find out the hard way.

Megan:  When it comes to dating, I feel like a 15 year old.  A retarded, sheltered 15 year old.  Who lives in a hole in the ground.  Yet somehow, I’m the one everyone comes to for dating advice…  Anyways, when I first told another friend about my hesitations about this guy (before the MySpace page), she yelled at me about giving him a chance, something I needed to hear.  I know that there’s that line and since I haven’t even had an actual conversation with this guy on the phone/in person, I can’t justify to myself cutting him off (even if he has these totally unappealing interests.  I mean, I don’t have to sit and watch wrestling with him, or God forbid, the Left Behind movies.).  We’ll see.  I just have to tell myself not to freak out sometimes.

Carla:  It is OK to freak out. That is why you have friends to talk you back from the ledge. I freak out all the stinkin’ time. It is HARD to give people a chance! It means letting people in, which means they could hurt you.

Megan:  We actually talked about that a lot at church this week.  About how we can’t be healed in a place that isn’t known… and that we sabotage ourselves by not opening up to others about our wounds and fears because we’re afraid.  With this whole eH thing, I want to put myself out there and see what happens.  Thanks for talking me off the ledge.  )  I just realized this in emailing about my Mr. eH with my other friend.  I know I’m a bit jaded, just looking for something to be wrong.  That if I ever get the “privilege” of being in an actual adult relationship, it’s going to be with some total weirdo.  Kind of that I’m not worth it in God’s eyes or something.  Like either He’s not good enough, or I’m not.  Or both maybe.  A definite defeatist attitude at work here.

Carla:  Remember in the Henry Cloud book how he talks about the whole process not only showing you things about other people, but showing you things and healing things within yourself?  This is totally one of those moments.  Not that the realization makes it all better–but that’s a huge realization. And you ARE worth it. You are a smart, sassy, hilarious, loyal, friendly, fun-to-be around, beautiful woman. You have a lot to offer someone. And you might have to go through some relational awkwardness before you find someone you are willing to stick around with, and vice versa… but that’s why it’s called dating and not arranged marriage.   (This is also why I like Dr. Cloud’s philosophy on a relationship not being a failure just because it ends.)

Megan:  I actually never read/bought that book (if it’s the dating one you’re talking about).  I skimmed the first few chapters when you were doing it, but not more than that.  Wow, this is one therapuetic set of emails, haha.  Thanks for your words of encouragement.  You’re right, this IS one of those moments.  Something to ponder.  I know this about myself, but I lose focus of it in the burying of all things painful emotionally and spiritually, and as I run from God (not doing stellar spiritually lately actually).   It’s funny that I work intimately with a film whose entire goal is t convince women of their worth and value in Christ, and I don’t believe it myself.

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If anything, doing eH has become a therapuetic thing in a sense.  It’s hard trying to cultivate this type of relationship online because it’s hard to not make character judgements based on the little bit of information you have about someone in a place where you DO need to make some sort of judgement about them (whether or not you want to get to know them, date them, etc.).  If anything, I’ve learned that you CANNOT do this in isolation.  Utterly cannot.  I’m so glad that I have friends who care enough about me to not let me freak out about things that in “real life” I wouldn’t make such a big deal about.

(I actually talked to Mr. eH on the phone for about 3 minutes last night.  I felt a bit like a teenager and almost didn’t answer the call, but decided to act like an adult and actually do it.  )  We’re going to chat again sometime soon.  We’ll see how where this goes, and wherever it does go, it’s okay and I won’t let my fears overwhelm me.  And if I do, I have a few great friends to call who will talk me back down again.  Thanks, gals.)